femininity · Personal

Make up: A step into the unknown

Yo.

I’ve been thinking for a long time that I want to start wearing make up.

I’ll admit it: one reason I’ve decided to wear make up is due to insecurity. When I go out plain-faced, while I don’t think I look ugly (on most days) I still feel… hmm what’s the word… inadequate? I literally can’t remember… And when I see girls outside or online with really nice make up, I get a little jealous. I’ve worn make up a few time before. The last time being when I was 15 or 16. Even then it was only just some eyeliner, mascara and lipstick, but I was surprised at how pretty I looked and I guess I wanted to feel that again.

So, why did I even avoid make-up in the first place? Well, first and foremost, it was time and effort. I don’t even have the motor skills to write neatly, how the hell can I paint my face? I liked being able to get ready within minutes (though I’ve started taking longer ever since the number of meds I take have increased…) and just leave. I liked not having to worry about rubbing my face or my eyes. I liked not having to worry about wiping it off my face every night (though now my night time routine is also long so it makes no difference). I liked not having to spend so much on it like my sister does, or finding make-up stains all over my clothes, bed, or anywhere else in my room.

The second reason is my skin. I have pretty bad eczema. Granted my face is usually very clear and hardly gets rashes, but being the atopic individual I am, I could react to just about anything. Sure I have the medicines help reverse the effects, and now epi-pens just in case things take a turn for the worst, it’s not worth the pain and frustration. To this day, I have never wore foundation, and probably never will. My sister tried a little concealer on me and I did react to that a little. Another problem with my eczema is that it (obviously) makes me want to scratch and rub my face, so yeah that’d be a problem. Now, I have worn mascara and eyeliner with no problem. Lipstick can be a little complicated, my lips can be quite sensitive to the degree that I can’t use some types of Vaseline. I actually use a lip balm I got from the hospital while I was having regular treatment.

Another reason I strayed away from make-up was that my parents started to push it on me. Not a lot, mind you, but they’d always make comments like:

‘When are you going to start wearing make-up?’

‘Girl’s wear make-up.’

‘If you want a boyfriend you have to look pretty.’

At that time I wasn’t into boys and even at one point identified as asexual (oh how times have changed…) I was very firm in the belief that ‘you don’t have to wear make-up to look pretty’ or ‘boys like girls who look natural’. Yeah, well, tell that to all the girls who wear make-up and have trouble fending off the boys.

But now things have changed for me. I want to wear make-up because I want to look pretty, I want to feel confident, I want to look my age, and (and I don’t care what you think but) I want to not be single. I’ve been single for almost 19 years, I think I’m more than ready to date!

And looking pretty isn’t just for the confidence or the boys/girls, but also to showcase my femininity. When I was in my non-binary phase, I was very tom-boyish and I’ve always been too show to showcase my femininity. Now that I’ve accepted myself as a woman, I’ve been dressing more feminine (skirts, dresses) and I want to really own that. I want to go all out. Feeling cute is addictive and I want to feel cute again and I want to feel even cuter. Honestly, when I don a skirt for an ultra feminine-look, it sometimes feels like a costume. But it’s a costume that gives me a thrill when I wear it and boy does it feel good! I also want to take advantage of my body shape. I quite skinny so the cutesy clothes I like to wear suit me very well. I’d just like nice make-up to go along with it and complete the look.

But of course I’m clueless when it comes to girl things. I have no idea what to buy from where and how to put some of this stuff on, so essentially I’m taking a step into the unknown. Of course I know a lot of people who wear make-up, my own sister being probably the best, but it’s reeeeaaally embarrassing for me. What I’ve done is I’ve ordered some online. Not the best idea, I know, but it was either that or go into a store and wonder around aimlessly, looking like a fool.

I had done some research some time ago in terms of stores good for people with eczema/allergies so I have selected a store and some products to start off with that I reckon I’d be able to use. All I have to do is wait now! I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

Peanut~

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