(LNR = late night ramble. Just short posts I make off the top of my head random about things I’m currently thinking about instead of sleeping.)
A little warning: this is on the topic of sexuality, so excuse me if a get a little vulgar, I’m just trying to be blunt and to the point.
I’ve often heard countless times about how being bisexual and finding out your sexuality, as a bisexual, is hard. And to be honest I never understood that until recently.
In fact it took me quite some time (and quite a few labels) before I realised I’m bisexual, because sexuality isn’t always that clear.
Even now I’m still questioning my sexuality. Now that I like guys am I bi or am I really straight? I’ve been realising that I get self conscious around guys, but that given the way I am and the fact that I went to an all girls’ school, it’s not that surprising.
Do I like guys? I think so. I had a sort of crush on a guy friend of mine.
Do I still like girls? Well then why have I gotten aroused by a girl friend of mine? (maybe I’m only attracted to my friends…)
What even about guys do I like? With girls it’s easy: boobs and ass. I’m not sure about guys, which I guess is partly why it took me so long to come to mt sexuality.
I read BL and I used to be obsessed with yaoi. I have a feeling that it wasn’t just because of the sexy times, because I got bored of that eventually and focused mainly on the fluff. Still Sensitive Pornograph (yes this is porn- hentai actually) was pretty awesome and I sure as hell did not watch it for the fluff.
One weird thing is that I don’t understand is why I just can’t stand GL. Like not the sexy time, obviously that I can ‘tolerate’ 😏, but I generally can’t put myself through it, even though I was quite a fan of yuri/shoujo ai in ths past. It might be an issue of fluff. It’s probably not fluffy enough. Let me also point out that I have absolutely no problem with yuri fanservice. I very much appreciate it.
I still don’t know where I stand on the bisexual scale. I used to think it was 99.9% gay 0.1% straight, but I’m not so sure anymore. My taste in guys is also broadening a little; it’s not just effeminate men! I used to say I’d never get with a guy with facial hair, but damn Gregory Fluhrer is getting hotter by the second! I want him more than his girlfriend! (If only there could be some threesome agreement, hmm…)
I also had a thing for one of my maths teachers in Sixth Form (well two actually, a man and a woman) and he was definitely not effeminate. He had a cute face but he also look kind of cuddly? I don’t know, maybe that’s my type? Cuddly guys?
Don’t even go there with girls, I find some many different types of girls attractive that a type would not be possible if I tried. The list is too diverse. Can’t I just love all women? Well, except I don’t. In my everyday life do I find a girl very attractive it almost arouses me to be in her presence? No. I don’t know if that’s normal of not.
I don’t know, man, I just like tits and ass.
And, you know, even my views in sex have changed. I wasn’t so sold on penetration at first, and I would’ve been fine with non-penetrative, but in the last few months I’ve kinda done a 180 on that. All of a sudden, the thought of having a dick rammed repeatedly inside of me was not only not a bad idea, but also a really, really good idea. A sound idea. It’s an idea I tend to obsess about every now and then, it’s not and everyday thing.
It’s still a little daunting to think about, you know, when I’m not heavily aroused by such an idea. I’ve never used a tampon before in my life. Well, that’s a lie actually, I tried to use one once and failed miserably after countless attempts. It makes me worried. Either I don’t know where the vagina is located, or there’s something wrong with my vagina. Both are worrying, but one is a little more serious.
I mean I get my period so maybe it’s okay??? I don’t know?????
Right, it’s midnight now, and I’ve started talking about the menstrual cycle so that’s my cue to exit. Sorry for any typos, I’m writing this on my phone which sucks. Also I’m way too tired to check over the post so, yeah, sorry about that…
Next post will be Wednesday I’m assuming.
I might post on my birthday though (Monday) if I feel like it. I’m turning 19 so I’d like to document how I feel about that and talk about aging in general or whatever.
I’m tired. Kinda hungry, but too tired to eat…