God, I feel so pathetic.
Or whatever time you’re reading this. I don’t really care at this point.
I really thought I would make a positive post today.
I didn’t expect a fun-filled day or anything. I expected I would go to work, have a busy day, come back and maybe cut some cake and hang out with my family. Maybe reply to some birthday texts and then have another look at my cards.
I’m not so sure about that now.
The events that transpired this morning showed me that today was going to be far from that.
It started with me waking up early. I planned to apply a little bit of make up. A future post will elaborate on that (it’s already written and scheduled). My dad was already in the bathroom so I said good morning to him to which he responded with good morning back.
Nothing about any birthdays though. He just went about his business. I walked past him several times this morning and he didn’t say anything even though I did make an effort to drop some hints.
It was the same with my mum. She didn’t mention anything. She did ask if I was okay, because I was in excruciating pain yesterday- I won’t elaborate on that- so she was seeing how I was. The pain actually did start again to make matters worse, so I probably won’t be able to work today.
Then my sister didn’t say anything, but in her defense, I did leave the room out of annoyance before she could say anything, or at least that’s what she said. Though my sister didn’t actually forget, she did come later to wish me happy birthday. She was in a rush to leave for work even, yet she came to talk to me. Also, just yesterday she did tell me that my birthday was tomorrow and she hadn’t gotten me a present, due to her not having been paid yet. Presents were never really a concern, I haven’t been getting presents for a couple years now.
So that was my birthday morning…
Except that’s not all that happened.
I broke down and cried, I’m still crying at the moment even, I’ll get to why in a moment.
My parents came into my room and wondering why I was crying. My dad couldn’t figure it out. Then my mum said ‘Oh my God’ and left the room promptly to return with a card. She admitted that she had it on her mind, but because of the whole fiasco yesterday (me screaming and crying in pain) she had forgotten.
Then my dad pats me on the shoulder and says happy birthday. He tells me he completely forgot. I wasn’t really accepting it. He’d already been a little shitty to me this morning, or maybe it’s the ‘forgotten birthday sad moodlet’ that was altering my perception. He then asked me what I wanted for my birthday to which I replied:
‘But I thought you weren’t getting me anything.’ very bitterly. This refers to a conversation I had with my dad a while ago. There was a Sims 4 sale and I wanted an expansion pack oh so very much. I asked him to buy it for me for my birthday, but he had to do it then because the sale ended before my birthday. That was when he told me I was past the age of presents (bullshit) so he wasn’t getting me anything. God, I swear this reminds me of the sleepover thing! I was too young to have a sleepover and then, when I was finally old enough, I was too old to have a sleepover! Like, seriously, what the actual fuck?!
Anyway, my dad replied with that yeah, I am too old for presents. And when I remained to be pissed off with him, he fucking yelled at me! Because I wasn’t being ‘cheerful’.
I wasn’t being fucking cheerful.
This fucking thing has resurfaced. The thing where my dad will make me so upset to the point of crying and then command me to smile and if I didn’t he was going to slap me. Because I have to be fucking cheerful, all the fucking time. Even if he did hit me. I don’t know how my dad’s brain works. If I commanded him to fucking cheer up and smile, when he’s pissed off and taking it out on me, I’d probably get hit for that.
How dare I tell an adult what to do.
How dare I tell a parent what to do.
How dare I tell my father what to do.
Peanut, you inconsiderate bitch. Be a respectable little dog, okay? Always do what you’re told. Children always have to be obedient little slaves.
Maybe I’m taking it a little too far, but I’m absolutely livid right now. And I’m still in pain. Not as bad as yesterday, but I can only imagine it will get worse.
Sure, a forgotten birthday sucks, but that’s not all that’s making me so upset. It’s two more things that make this experience all the more worse.
The first is something that’s partly internal. I must’ve talked about this in length on my previous blog- I don’t know, but I can imagine I must have. It’s something that’s bothered me for a long long time and really took over my life the time I posted on that blog. It’s the feeling that people don’t care about me. The fear of being forgotten. The feeling that you’re basically no one and the world would be better of without you. It’s those feeling that are coming back to me. Something that I hardly think about anymore- it just all came rushing back. And when no one acknowledged the only day dedicated to me, the anniversary of my birth, that really made those feelings very real again and they are the feelings that have suddenly taken over me, and it makes me wonder if I’m not be being paranoid, but that people don’t actually care about me.
My neighbour’s daughter’s birthday was this month. I remember my mum singing her happy birthday. Sure, she’s only a little kid, and I don’t necessarily need people to sing me happy birthday. It’s just the remembering part I care about. And honestly that makes me feel pathetic that my standards are ‘I hope my family doesn’t forget’. I used to hate when people asked me what I got for my birthday, because it was usually one item or money.
I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be expecting a present anytime soon. Especially from my dad since I refused to be cheerful after no one acknowledged my birthday. What a bad daughter I am. Do I even deserve a present I wonder… (Sarcasm, in case you couldn’t tell). I won’t apologise though. Or at least I hope I don’t feel guilty enough to apologise for getting upset. It’s a fucking emotion. I won’t apologise for something I can’t control.
The second involves me and my dad yet again. He seems to be the main source of my sadness today. This is also the second time my birthday has been ruined by a family member. The first was my sister, but I won’t get into that. It’s on my old blog and I cannot be bother to think about that.
Anyway, this is something that has been going on for a long time- maybe even since I was a child- and that’s the fact that to my parents, or at least to my dad, I’m just a little version of my sister. I’m not even my own person. I brought this up to him yesterday, and you can sure bet I brought it up again today.
It’s like he doesn’t know me at all. Well, I’m sure he doesn’t.
“You’re just like Jelly*.”
“You’re turning into Jelly.”
[*Jelly refers to my sister by the way. I’ve got little pseudonyms for everyone- you might see quite a few crop up here and there.]
To him, I am basically a potential of bad decisions that my sister made. It’s not like I’m different to Jelly. It’s not like I have a different personality, different beliefs or morals. Honestly my sister and I are nothing alike.
So back when he was trying to talk to me earlier today, I told him that I bet he thought my birthday was a month ago (Jelly’s birthday was June 25th)
Ugh…Today just sucks.
I’m gonna go play Sims.