So I never thought I’d actually make this post. I kind of wanted to ignore the last post I made, pretend it never happened, but it did.
I know I can just delete it, but that’s against part of what this blog is about- being open about things and also keeping track on stuff that happens. And thinking back to when I made that post, part of the reason I did it was because I was angry, sure, but another part was because I wanted to be able to know exactly how I felt in that moment. Memories get distorted over time and I knew that I’d want to read it over so I knew exactly what went down and how I felt and reacted to that.
Throughout yesterday I wanted to make this post, but I was quite busy and also didn’t want to write it just yet. I’d just leave it to future Peanut.
Well, thanks, past Peanut. Leave all the hard work to me.
So what exactly happened after I made that post? Quite a lot of things actually. The first thing I did- and I’m not exactly sure why I did this- was to start applying make up. I don’t know- maybe I was a little annoyed that I wasn’t going into work that day like I’d planned. Maybe it was because I wanted to make myself feel better by looking better.
It was just some eye make-up. It wasn’t that good, but at least I managed to not get eyeliner in my lashes again. While I applied, I decided to listen to some of my favourite songs- stuff that would calm me down a little- and I guess it got me in a pensive mood.
I knew to some extent I was being stubborn and unreasonable and I let that take control of my actions, rather than rationality. I thought about how I was getting older so I have to start acting like it. I’ve been an adult (at least in the UK) for a year now, and yet I still act like a child (and I know it’s not just me, but I’m only talking about myself here). I know that I want to change as a person. I know there are parts of me that I hate that I want to change, but I need to make the effort.
I admitted to myself that I was being childish. I admitted that there are more important things in the world than forgotten birthdays. I admitted to myself that they’ve probably been thinking about it. I admitted to myself that my parents are old (to put it bluntly) and with all their responsibilities to worry about, of course their memory isn’t what it used to be.
I hate to admit that even know a part of myself is thinking there’s no excuse and still harbouring hate. It’s something that I have to get used to. I have to understand that there’s always a rational voice and an irrational voice in my head, and that I should not get swayed by the irrational one. The irrational one is the one that pushes people away from me, and me away from them. The one that wants me to be alone wondering why I am alone in the first place.
So the next thing I did, was apologise to everyone. I apologised for how I acted. It was fucking painful doing so- the irrational side losing its shit- but I pushed through it. I knew that it wouldn’t erase what had happened, but I also knew that I shouldn’t let that fact ruin my birthday.
Apologising actually saved my birthday. My dad and I hugged it out and admitted that he had planned on taking me shopping next week when he had a holiday so yeah that’s fucking awesome. Though, shopping with my dad can be a bit annoying… Oh well, I’ll live.
The rest of the day went pretty well. Won’t go into much detail as I’m really itchy and hot right now so want to end this post soon. A lot of balloons were involved. My brother and his friend, and also our neighbour, brought me a whole bunch of balloons and a card they wrote (well, she wrote it because my brother can’t write- he’s 4). There were lots of snacks and food and even a cake which my mum debated in getting because she knows I hate cake. Yesterday only confirmed that (I could barely eat half a tiny slice), but I wanted everyone else to have- I mean, what’s a birthday party without a cake, right? I suggested a chicken with candles in it, but my mum only laughed at that.
That was a joke by the way. It wasn’t a serious suggestion.
All in all it was a great day. I had fun, I discovered a secret lot on Sims, my brother had karate chopped an expensive glass table cleanly in two, and there was lots of chicken (I swear, my love of chicken and my tendency to be late are the only black things about me XD)
That’s all for now. Hope you have a good day and stuff.