Another late night ramble.
Well, all my posts are rambles.
They’re just all during the day.
Anyway the topic for tonight’s post is coming out.
I’m not going to talk about my experience coming out. The most I’ll elaborate is that it was very difficult at first, but then got easier. All the reactions have been dull and underwhelming, unless you count my mum in of course. That was 100000% the hardest, but I’m not really going to talk about that.
I want to talk about the people are on the receiving end. This isn’t a rant about them or a post telling them what they can and can’t say (so chill, straight people- I’m a reasonable little queer).
So, if a very close/best friend has ever come out to you, chances are, you’re not the first person they told.
Cloud, my oldest and closest friend, wasn’t even second.
Don’t take this the wrong way- it’s not that they don’t care about you or that they trust you the least. It’s probably because of one of two reasons.
- They’re scared of losing you the most. If you think about it, it makes sense. Imagine this: you’ve never come out to anyone. You know some people react badly to it. You’d rather come out to someone you’re not as close to because you’re less worried about losing them.
- Their first coming out was a spur of the moment thing. This was the case with me. I think I was talking about crushes and then I mentioned my crush in the most awkward way possible. I was still sweating by the end of it.
And, you know, coming out is pretty awkward. It gets easier as time goes on, but all my coming outs have been at least a little awkward. (Especially if they don’t hear you and you have to repeat yourself 😓😥)
I remember when Phoenix came out to me. She made it seem like she was a coming out pro- she said it smoothly and easily… but then a few minutes later she asked me if it was okay that she’s bi and that really surprised me. I wonder if it’s super awkward for everyone. Or at least most people.
I wish Mochi came out to me in person. He did it vis Whatsapp so I couldn’t see his reaction. I’m just glad that I didn’t have to chance to mess up and say something dumb- like a gay themed pun. (I did say something dumb- not offensive- because I’m me after all)
I hope more people come out to me. Just so I can catalogue more reactions.
Better start thinking of some good gay- themed puns…
Reading back on ny conversation with Mochi, it came out of the blue after he askes me if I was involved in my uni’s lgbt society. I hadn’t come out to him then so what was that about? It’s fun to speculate, but I’d really like some closure.
I’ll keep you posted.
I’m going off topic but this is a ramble so I don’t care that much.
Another thing related to coming out is the whole ‘are you gonna tell ______?’
It doesn’t piss me off, honestly, but I don’t get it. I seriously don’t. Why do you have to tell _____? Why is it ____’s business? I must stress, this isn’t a rant so won’t yell at you if you’ve done it, or tell you not to. It doesn’t really harm anyone. I just want to know why it’s a thing.
I get telling your parents. You don’t have to, and people should never be pressured into it, but I get it. You gotta let them know if they’re gonna get grand kids. It’s not their right, but I think it’s cool to give a little heads up.
But otherwise why do you have to tell people. Even your friends. Like, is it really necessary to tell them which genitals you prefer?
Oh, but if you want to tell them about your crush or boyfriend/girlfriend, I guess it would be useful.
Like, I wouldn’t just be like: ‘so I saw this hot girl the other day and thought, ‘daaaamn those titties look FOOOIINNNEE.’
Except I did come out to my friends by telling them about my crush on Phoenix. I was just dying to share the surplus of feelings I had been keeping inside me (clearly, because after that I wouldn’t shut up about her)
It’s actually awkward to talk about a crush without coming out I guess.
Still you dont have to tell people anout your crushes anyway, so it’s still silly to ask that question.
In my opinion.
You can ask it though, I won’t attack you.
Free speech and all that jazz.
Ooh, let’s talk about being out.
I guess aside from in my family, I’m technically out. I’ve been technically out since sixth form and I have been open about my sexuality to people I’m not friends with (by open I mean I don’t deny it). You can probably tell from my wording that it doesn’t feel like really being out of the closet.
That’s because when I think of ‘out ofbthe closet’ I think of bursting out in a dramatic way- all eyes on you. I’m sure other people would agree. My coming out of the closet was really more of a sneaky tiptoe escape without being noticed. I don’t talk about my sexuality. I don’t talk about my crushes (because there isn’t much to say now tbh). I just won’t deny it and I’ll say it if someone asks.
I guess I don’t see it as being out being out because people still think I’m straight. Or at least that’s what I think. I did have a very lesbianesqe way of dressing last year so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was what they thought.
Even though I think it’s no one’s business, I wish I was that ‘everyone-know-you’re-bi’ kind of out. I don’t know why it bothers me. Life just seems simpler. I guess I would be able to talk about my sexuality openly without feeling nervous about being overheard because that’s like another coming out and coming outs are stressful!
You may think I’m contradicting myself, but you have to understand that this is how my brain works.
Especially at night.
Oh, just thought of another reason everyone knowing is awesome- the ladies kniw you’re available and open business 😏 *sexy growl noise*
I mean I’d really like a girlfriend.
Or a boyfriend.
Or whatever other gender friend.
Some non binaries have used the word enbyfriend. I think it’s clever. Cheers to it’s rightful creator.
The thought train is coming to a slow halt so I’ll stop here.
Since it’s a LNR, expect more typos and accidental word omissions. I don’t really read over these.
Have a nice night, morning, evening, afternoon, day.
Also I wore pigtails today.