Quick note: This is a post about sexuality so expect some ‘sexy’ language down there.
I mentioned a while ago I’d be making this post so here you go!
So my ‘journey’ to bisexuality is probably not a common one. In fact it involves several other labels and is intertwined with my exploration of gender which I’ll will also make a post about.
It starts off with me in secondary school. I went to an all girl’s school, so you can imagine I wasn’t around guys much. Guys did make me a little nervous, probably because I hardly interacted with any for those 5 years of my life, but I was never really interested in them. I had always put that down to being a late bloomer- not necessarily physically, but socially and sexually. I didn’t think that much about it because I was young. This period of my life was when I was between 11 and 14 years old (Years 7 to 9)
One thing that happened when I started secondary school, was I started watching anime. It started with shoujo anime- all innocent romance school life stuff- but then I moved onto more comedic stuff and slowly ecchi started creeping into my life and all of a sudden ginormous jiggling jugs and shameless panty shots were thrust at me and I kind of liked it. And I guess I pushed myself to watch more NSFW stuff, even hentai (basically porn- I won’t link the wiki page for obvious reasons) at one point- though it was the most vanilla hentai. Maybe something like AkiSora. I also started watching yuri and shoujo-ai anime and it become my new obsession after gender bender anime/manga.
During this time, I never thought anything weird of this. It was just hot so I watched it. At some point I did start getting weird urges to want to kiss girls. It was only occasionally, but it still surprised me. I concluded that I was just weird because of anime and then thought nothing of it.
It was only late in my secondary school life that I started questioning my sexuality. It was when I started falling for my friend Phoenix (I’ve talked about her in lengths in my old blog if you’re curious). I knew there were possible reasons why I started liking her, me starting to feel some kind of connection to her at a time I felt so alone, so I told myself that it’s possible that I may not like girls and that Phoenix (phew, I was literally about to write her real name -_-;) was just the exception. After all, I’d known her for 5 years, and it was only the last year or so that I began having feelings for her. I also know that when you like someone, they become irresistibly beautiful to you and that ended when I finally got over her.
At that time of liking Phoenix, I was greatly confused about my sexuality. I didn’t understand what sexual attraction was, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t feel it. I never wanted to have sex with people and I that lasted even when I turned 18. I didn’t feel like wanting to fuck someone attractive. I wasn’t even sure I knew what it meant when someone considered someone ‘hot’. Sure I liked porn and stuff, but it’s not like I wanted any of the people involved.
When I started uni, I got a tumblr and that’s where I learned about asexuality and I realised that kind of fit me at the moment, with the exception of the porn stuff, but then I found out that, hey!, asexual people can like porn or sex, they just don’t feel the need for it! I don’t how true that is, but whatever. So as I set out on a quest to find out what sexuality is like, I identified as asexual.
But this didn’t work that well for me. I knew I wanted to still be in a relationship. I didn’t really care about gender- it wasn’t an issue for me since I didn’t care for sex. Then I realised that the asexual community believe in the split attraction model of sexuality in which you have a separate attractions. These include sexual, romantic, platonic, aesthetic etc. This did get out of hand in the asexual community. We had straight people calling themselves queer because they were ‘panplatonic’ or ‘panaesthetic’ or some shit like that. I didn’t really care, but it did look quite ridiculous. I ended up identifying first as biromantic asexual, and then as panromantic asexual and that stuck for a while.
But I still wasn’t convinced that was 100% correct. I mean, at that point, at the age of 18, I knew I liked girls, but had no idea how I felt about boys. That also led to trouble because at that time I was identifying as non-binary so I didn’t have a proper label. I did notice that people tended to use nonbinary lesbian which I preferred over words like womaromantic or gynoromantic because womaromantic sounded weird, and gynoromantic was ‘problematic’. I would’ve gone for gynoromantic because I thought it implied femininity and I was unsure about how I felt about effeminate men and I knew I liked non-binary people too. Nonbinary lesbian was the best choice at the time, and I liked the word lesbian so that felt nice to say.
At some point during that same year, I started feeling sexual attraction. I was in denial for a bit (because I had finally found labels that fit me) and called it sensual attraction, but… no. I started getting a little more perverted and more like the horny teenager I am now. I did start thinking sexual things, though it wasn’t that often. I began desiring and craving sex which was so odd and new to me. After a while I couldn’t keep the asexual label and so I ditched it. At some point I had also ditched the non-binary label so I become simply a lesbian and I was satisfied with that for a while.
One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that I got tired of yuri/shoujo-ai after a while, and tried giving yaoi/shounen-ai a go. This was also in secondary school because I did talk about it on my other blog, and I did start writing BL myself. I was obsessed with boy’s love and I still am to this day! Maybe not to the same extent as before. I used to love smutty yaoi and spent a lot of time reading saucy doujin based on my favourite male anime characters. I probably had a little bit of an addiction and was extremely passionate about it. Nothing near how I felt about yuri. I don’t even read it that much now. In fact I stopped for years and only picked it up recently.
The weird thing about this is that it was during my yaoi phase I identified as asexual and then later a lesbian (though at that point I was long past the initial obsession). That was what made my sexuality so confusing. Why was I obsessed with guys making out and fucking and yet I had no interest in them? I used to joke about having threesomes with two guys, only the threesome was just pretence and I would sneak away into the closet while they were getting ‘acquainted’ and whip out a video camera and some popcorn and sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
Another weird thing is that although yaoi can get really graphic (especially the ones I was reading) it would hardly turn me on. It just got me excited in a different way and I still feel the same way about this. This was at the same time as I started watching a bit more hentai and that sure as hell turned me on. Late into secondary school and early into sixth form I started masturbating (uggggh this is awkward as fuck, bear with me please) and I could never masturbate to yaoi and I even tried a few times with little to no success. There was one yaoi I did watch which was straight up porn (Sensitive Pornograph) which did turn me on a little… so I proceeded to stop watching and switch to hentai. Also when I say hentai, I also include yuri hentai but not yaoi hentai (if such a thing is possible- I mean they have shota but… just… no.) Yaoi, for me, was my guilty pleasure. Something I was obsessed with for no reason whatsoever. Like I said, it gave me this weird excitement. Maybe it was like this ‘forbidden fruit’ and I couldn’t help but take a bite. I never considered any of the yaoi I watched (with the exception of Sensitive Pornograph and that one Gravitation doujin which was so crazy I’ve never actually been able to read it fully.
So there I was in this weird position. I knew I liked girls, but I also like watching dudes fuck, but I didn’t really want to be involved in the fucking. It was a really weird place.
But then, out of nowhere, I started to like guys, like more than just their hair, but like aspects about guys, still not that clear on which aspects, but aspects nonetheless. I started having a crush on my guy friend Mochi, which I admitted on my previous blog. Some of the male youtubers I started watching were quite attractive to me. Not ‘I wanna fuck you’ attractive, but still attractive. Eventually I started liking different type of guys, and right now I think I’m also into ‘big and huggable’, someone like Greg Fluhrer, I guess? I’m still figuring this shit out, but I decided maybe homoflexible? That’s when you’re mostly gay but a little straight. It’s a form of bisexuality but I was discouraged to identify as such because the bisexual community got trigger by it calling it ‘bi erasure’. Others called it being a special snowflake. I have to agree, but I don’t look down people trying to better explain their sexuality- they like having an in-depth view of themselves- I’m like that so I totally get it and respect it to some degree- if you don’t let it take over your life. (These types know what I’m talking about).
Eventually I stuck with bisexual and that’s where I am now. I’m not as crazy about yaoi today. I’m more of a shounen-ai kinda gal- I like the fluff and the moe and the sexual part isn’t that ‘appealing’ anymore. I still watch hentai though, on occasion, not as much as before though and I’m starting to watch ecchi again- not for the boobs and panties and stuff, I’m over that shit, it’s just annoying at this point, but I like the comedy and I don’t want the ecchi aspect to stop me from watching because ecchi anime tends to be funny (when the focus isn’t mostly ecchi, that is…) I think my attraction to women and men is less 99.9 : 0.1 now, but more 65 : 35? And although my attitude towards sex has changed (I want it now) I still have no issues with genitals. Not really that fond of either and I reckon I’ll have no problem with trans/non-binary/intersex people. Well, I’m bi anyway so…
I think I’m still developing, sexually and even gender-wise which I’ll talk about in another post.
Have in mind, I may have mixed stuff up a bit, my memory isn’t that great and I’ve gone back and forth about these things several times, adopting several different labels, but this is the main gist of it.
Hope you enjoyed this mess of a post and I should see you next week.