Here’s another Wednesday post coming your way!
So I’m carrying on with this lgbt theme. I have recently finished two lgbt books so that kind of got me thinking of that kinda stuff.
This weeks post is about being ashamed of being lgbt- I’m gonna focus on the lgb though. It’s also going to be about Mochi again. I can’t really seem to get him out of my mind recently and that’s pretty annoying. I’d like to say I don’t have a serious crush, but every time I say ‘X isn’t true’, X becomes true. So I’m not going to say anything about that.
I was recently thinking about the time Mochi and I met up for coffee. We ended up talking about sexuality and the like and me, being the nosey bitch I am, asked him how he found out he was gay. Thinking about it now, it seems like a dumb question… I mean how else do you answer other than:
‘Weeeell one day I realised I liked dick and not vagina and here we are!’
Of course he never said that. Mochi doesn’t speak like that. That’s just me being silly. He gave the longer less sexy version of that and he also told me that, yeah he did try to ignore it for a while because he was ashamed of his sexuality.
It kinda shocked me. Mochi didn’t seem like the type to be ashamed of himself. And I wouldn’t think that people in this day and age would feel that way unless they had really homophobic parents. I mean, even when I told my mum I was bisexual again, just to clear all the earlier stuff up, she said that was disgusting (and yeah it still stings) but I’m still not ashamed of it.
I’ve actually never been ashamed of my sexuality. I mean, it’s annoying when you think you’ve worked it out and then you realise it’s not actually that, it’s this. It’s hard to make that transition of seeing yourself as one think and then seeing yourself as something else. That doesn’t mean I was ever ashamed of being a lesbian, asexual or bisexual. It was just a part of me. Not necessarily not a big deal, but not an issue. Even when I was wondering how I’d tell my parents they wouldn’t have grandkids (or at least not have them in the conventional means) when I thought I was a lesbian. Still not that much of an issue. I’m young anyway- I don’t have to think about that for at least 10 years.
I couldn’t understand why he felt ashamed. It was something he was born with. Something he couldn’t change. He didn’t choose to be gay so why did he feel that way. So I thought about it after that day and then I guess I realised something.
I was also ashamed of a part of me I couldn’t change- my social abilities. It made me hate myself a lot because I couldn’t be like the other kids or get along with them well. I was always so lonely and alone a lot of the time. I still get pretty lonely. I’ve felt lonely during this holiday. I haven’t really spoken to anyone except Tori and Mochi. Mochi mostly because Tori is super busy with work and Mochi is a lot more talkative than he was with me last year. I have to ask him about that…
Even though the social anxiety has mostly subsided, it doesn’t make up for the fact that I’m still socially inept. Social situations just doesn’t scare me as much anymore. I’m learning gradually. I mean I met up with Mochi this summer, which was something I was determined to do. It was actually something my counsellor/therapist tasked me to do but I never had the courage. To be honest, Mochi was the one who brought it up… b-but I swear I was gonna ask! Honest! He just… beat me to it…
So these social issues (autism?) that I’ve had little to no control over, I was ashamed of them. I was ashamed of myself because of all the things I wanted to do but couldn’t do. I mean, why should I be ashamed because of things I can’t do? I shouldn’t right? But I guess I still am, and I probably will be for at least some years, if not the rest of my life.
I don’t know why Mochi (aarrgg this close to writing his real name…) would feel ashamed for being gay, I’ve only known him for just over two years after all. But I guess, like me, he can’t help feeling that way.
I only hope he doesn’t feel that way for too long…