Note: This post gets pretty depressing (but not about anything serious like self harm or suicidal thoughts or whatever). I hate having to put these post on this blog, but it’s still a personal blog, I guess. If you’re not into that kind of thing, or you just don’t want to get depressed, feel free to skip this one. Remember: posts are every Wednesday at 9AM (BST- for now).
Now, on with the post…
‘Descending into Madness’…
A pretty dramatic title, but it’s fitting because I’m a pretty dramatic girl.
I’m gonna see if I can start this post without saying ‘so’.
Following up to that dramatic post I made some time ago, I’ve been trying my best to try and not to think about mental illness or developmental disorders.
I see a condition and instantly my mind starts working overtime, analysing the characteristics of that disorder and then trying to match them to my own characteristics and behaviour. I’m even doing right now! I literally can’t stop!
But what’s different is that now I’m trying to reject this pattern of thought. I’m trying to reject the urge to look up different personality or developmental disorders. Even stuff like depression and anxiety. I already know I have anxiety (it’s fucking glaringly obvious), but I’m desperately trying to prove it to myself and maybe other. One person told me I didn’t have anxiety when I told her that chewy sweets were great for (my) anxiety.. Maybe that’s why. When she said it, I answered with, yeah I know I don’t have anxiety in a pretty calm way. Of course I didn’t believe her, but maybe a part of me did?
I don’t get this obsession to try and find something wrong with me. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with me. I’m stubborn and have a short fuse. I get angry for literally no reason… Ah, I’m doing it again. I’m mentally flicking through a catalogue of mental illnesses and trying to match myself up to one of them!
Will this never end?!
It’s so hard. So, so hard. I can’t stop it. And when I try to stop myself, I get angry and irritable, or I get all moody and depressed (the emotion, not the mental illness). It’s torture. Who knew that looking for mental illnesses and developmental disorders was something that kept me stable. I haven’t been emotionally this unstable in ages. The most stable I’ve been, was when I believed I was an autistic homoromantic asexual non-binary with masculine leanings. (Minus the ‘wanting to transition’ aspect of it)
Perhaps I’ve suffering from special snowflake syndrome and I want something relatively interesting about myself. I can be a pretty dull person. No, maybe I am, full stop.
Or maybe it’s because, like I said, I want an excuse for the way I behave.
‘No I’m not throwing a tantrum.’
‘I am autistic and I’m having a meltdown due to emotional overload.’
‘No I’m not disrespectful. I am paying attention’
‘but I have ADHD so I have a poor working memory and attention span.’
‘No I don’t have a bad personality.’
‘I struggle making friends because I don’t have the social skills required.’
‘No I’m not lazy.’
‘I’m dyslexic so reading is really taxing and I’m slow.’
‘No, it’s not that I don’t want to help out around the house.’
‘I’m just lashing out because I have PDA and that’s how I react to demands.’
I hope you understand what I’m getting at.
And I hope you understand that I’m NOT saying that autism, ADHD, PDA and dyslexia aren’t real. I’m saying that perhaps it is me who is using these conditions to excuse my poor personality. I don’t know if any of the statements I’ve made up there (ABOUT MYSELF) are true or not. I can only wonder.
It just drives me insane, thinking and thinking about it. I always do this. I always think too much. I never stop thinking. I’ll only stop if I get diagnosed with a condition (or some conditions) that explain everything I do.
Looking conditions up make me feel better, and I’m really considering it because I just can’t stay stuck like this. I feel like shit. I feel like all my problems are my fault, and that I’m normal and have nothing wrong about me and that I’m making excuses. Maybe everyone else is like me. What if they have the same limitations but they just deal with them better. It’s hard to see that because people do a lot better than me. Grace is dyslexic and dyspraxia, and yet she reads and writes quicker and neater than I do. She and Mochi said their both introverted, and Grace said she has social anxiety, but they have more friends than I do. They can talk more easily than I do. They can handle social situations well.
I told Mochi I was ‘mildly autistic’- those were the exact words I used- and I regret it now. He probably thinks I’ve been assessed as a child and I’m a Certified autistic™. He doesn’t know that I explained my case to my GP (though, not very well, I should add) and she dismissed me straight off the bat, telling me that I was certainly not autistic. And now I feel like a dirty liar. And I hate myself for that.
I feel like I’ve really exhausted my options. I know I won’t get any help from my university. I signed up for the psychological service right at the beginning of last year and they haven’t arranged any counselling for me.
I know I can always go to my GP but at this point I just can’t do it. I just can’t. I can’t face that woman again who just so easily dismissed my problems without so much as batting an eyelid. Maybe I’m a little scared or intimidated. Maybe I just don’t like her.
I don’t know.
I never know.
I just don’t know and I hate not knowing. It makes me feel crazy, but it also makes me feel like I’m doing it for attention, but it’s not like I tell people about this stuff. The only exceptions are when I spoke to Phoenix about these things because we were similar in that way, I guess. The other is when I spoke to my close friends about autism, because it was the one I had the most evidence for and confidence about (until my GP shredded my confidence to pieces and made me eat every single piece, and all the pieces were sharp so it really, really hurt.
I’ll finish off here, but let me just add that after this post, I’m probably going to start looking up this stuff again. I just can’t keep going like this. If I can get ANY SORT OF RELIEF, right now, I’ll take it. It’s harmless anyway, as long as I don’t take it too seriously.
Which will be impossible.