Two posts in one day, wow…
I thought I’d write this now before I forget.
Today as I was walking home, I had thoughts come into my head, saying stuff like I hate myself. It bothered me, yes, but it’s not like I’ve never had a flood of negative thoughts attempt to wreck havoc in my brain. I just listened to my inner critic and tried to think why I thought like that.
It was only when I was thinking back to primary school (bear with me, the memory is quickly fading as I type this) and I wondered if I hated my life back then (because I think I’m hating my life now) and the answer was yes.
Not because I remember saying it, but I remember a conversation I had with my arch nemesis in front of the class. She told me that I said I hated my life and I vehemently denied that (meaning that I was lying through my teeth- something I rarely do because lies are hard to keep up with and too much trouble).
I wondered why I hated my life and so I tried to probe my brain for an answer. I wasn’t able to get far. Instead I was bombared with the emotions of Little Michelle, or at least that’s what I think they were.
It was just this intense wave of sadness and it crashed into me all of a sudden. I felt a choking feeling in my throat and tears streamed down my face (which kind of matches the wave anology because I was drowning in this emotion)
(You can probably tell I haven’t done any fictional writing in a while 😂)
It couldn’t have been my current emotions because I wasn’t feeling like that. I was feeling bad, but not that bad. And like a wave it came and went. I cried for a bit and then I got up and decided to document it (as I’m doing now)
As of right now, I’m not really thinking anything. I don’t really feel anything. I’m just focusing in retelling this.
But I digress.
The point is that maybe that was an emotion of The Past, and if that’s the case, I only have 2 questions:
- Why am I feeling these emotions now?
- Why did I feel that way?
Why did iI hate school that much? What am I missing? All I remember is that I hated school, I caused trouble for other students, and I was signed up for art therapy.
Anyway, that’s all I have to say. I probably won’t post again today but who knows. I really wanted someone to talk to (not right now though because I’m feeling nothing) so I might come back to vent but I’ve got work to do.
See you soon