Dear Diary · Mental Health · Personal

With Unwanted Thoughts at Bay, I’m Having a Lovely Day

Hey!! Peanut here.

I’m in a good mood for once today!! I mean, this morning I did have an argument with my mum, but I think I’ll make a separate post about all that.

Let’s focus on the positives for now!

Well, it’s not like anything amazing happened, but today went pretty nicely. I had a 9 am start for this lab/workshop. It’s like this virtual experiment we did on this software called Cardiolab where you basically get a virtual creature and can give it drugs or stimulate the autonomic nervous system and see the effect on blood pressure and heart rate. The best thing about it is that you don’t have to deal with all the inevitable mistakes that will come with setting it up, and- if you kill your animal- it’s all good because it’s not real!

(Which is a good thing because otherwise I’d have two deaths on my hands)

I met up with a friend of mine… let’s call her Gem… and walked into uni together. That was great because she’s in my group so I could work with her in class. She normally works with 3 other people in classes and they’re all really cool people. I worked with them twice (not necessarily on my own accord, but because I didn’t really have a choice in the other situations) and I’ve been thinking that they could be potential new friends.

But of course AvPD (or what I expect to be AvPD) kicks in every time I want to ask if I can work with them.

‘Oh, but they’re all quite close. They wouldn’t want to work with an outsider…’

‘Oh if you work with them it’ll be a bother for them…’

‘Oh, just wait until they accept you.’

Ugh.

Obviously every time I want to work with them, I chicken out. This one time, I made eye contact with one of the guys, let’s call him Curly Fries, to keep up with my original food theme (peanut, jelly, cinnamon, mochi, toffee vanilla ice cream sundae, etc….) on my way to the class and there was this sudden sharp surge of anxiety. I looked away quickly and did a sharp turn to stand on the other half of the hallway. I was so embarrassed… TT-TT

I’m sure he noticed.

Anyway, today I was lucky. I was with Gem so I just stood with her as we waited to be allowed into the classroom, and since I was too shy to say anything to her friends, I mainly stood in silence which was super awkward. But then, I decided to ask Gem about this piece of coursework that I happened to work on with her and her friends.

We got into a discussion about it and the others were asking about how to calculate the QT interval (because yes, this was also about the heart) so I explained it to them and ended up looking at Curly by the time I’d finished and he kinda gave me this awkward smile which I interpreted as, ‘Thanks, but I still don’t get it.’ or maybe he was thinking that he wasn’t the one answering the question so he already knew. Or maybe (and I only thought of this now) he was thinking back to that time I sort of stared at him and then looked away because, now that I think about it, that’s a pretty weird thing to do!

I didn’t really respond to that and probably just stared at him while I was trying to figure out what that face meant.

Probably not a good thing to just stare at people…

*Throws hands up* Oh well.

When we finally we allowed in, I realised the tables were organised in 4 seats per table. Since there were five of us (Me, Gem, Curly Fries, Courgette (can’t stop thinking about courgettes… they’re actually really delicious) and Joker (because he’s funny and called him ‘a right joker’ in my mind)) I decided to sit somewhere else. They were all close friends, I didn’t want to split them up, like they had been earlier this week.

So I saw Kitty sitting with someone else I was somewhat familiar with. Kitty used to be in my group last year like Gem, but I was never really friends with her, but we were on good terms. We’re actually working on a presentation together for one of my modules. She’s really nice and it’s easy to get along with her so I asked if I could sit with them. They said yes. And while it was a shame I wasn’t able to sit with Gem and co., it was a situation I couldn’t control, so it’s not my fault so I didn’t feel bad about it like I normally do.

From where I was sitting, I had a pretty good view of Gem’s table. One time I looked over and saw Curly looking straight at me! Normally when people I know stare at me, I hold their gaze, which is what I did today. It was really awkward, maybe a little uncomfortable because eye contact is difficult for me. Noticing me staring back, he broke the connection and looked away. I sat there pretty bewildered. I couldn’t imagine why someone would stare at me, but I’m not gonna lie, for someone who’s always felt lonely and invisible and like no one cares about me, it felt really good to have someone (I know) stare at me. And I wasn’t doing anything weird either so I can cross that off the list of reasons he was staring at me.

I was genuinely intrigued so I tried to take my own sneaky peeks, to see if he was looking at me, but I had to be careful because I didn’t want him to think I was a weirdo. I’m not sure if he caught me looking, but out of the corner of my eye, I sometimes thought he was looking at me, but I can’t verify that, unfortunately.

It was really weird… and while I had no negative intrusive thoughts about it (e.g. he thinks I’m a weirdo, that’s why he’s staring), I was trying to direct my mind away from that thought. (You know what I mean)

I can be annoyingly optimistic, in the worst ways. And the optimism is usually followed by similar or stronger pessimism. But the idea that someone might have some kind of interest in me (not necessarily romantic) for someone like me, it means the world to me. Makes me sound pathetic and it sure makes me feel pathetic, but I just have to remind myself that it’s not my fault that I think like this. It’s because of things that happened in my childhood (whatever they were) that caused me to think that I’m unwanted or unlovable.

It’s not my fault.

So, for once, I came home feeling pretty happy and light. I had no intrusive negative thoughts and I only felt a little threatened by the people around me (meaning, yay, I didn’t think some stranger was gonna strangle me today!) Only one paranoid thought this afternoon which is fucking awesome.

I’ll stop here.

Gotta do that coursework I mentioned earlier. See ya soon, folks.

~Peanut

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