LNR: She Says She Can’t Remember

I’m talking about abuse so here’s your trigger warning.




I spoke to my mum today about being hit as a child as punishment. I can’t remember hiw we got to that topic, but I told her that hitting is bad enough, but straight up belting your child (or anyone for that matter!! ) is completely barbaric.

She looked confused when I brought that up and said that I’d never been beaten with a belt.

I told her, ‘Yes, I was.’ I was honestly bewildered. How can she not remember such a thing occuring? She asked me when and I said I didn’t know. Why would I record the date right after getting ‘punished’. I didn’t doubt myself, though. Something like that…  something like that, you don’t forget… well, you can, but you certainly can’t just make it up!! 

Why on earth would I accuse my dad of that? That’s pretty fucking serious!!!

She said that if he did, I would’ve had belt marks, so either he didn’t or he hit me gently. And if he did hit me, it wouldn’t be considered child abuse because there was no damage. Judging on what I can remember, there probably weren’t any marks. I remember the pain would sting for quite a while and I remember being terrified.

She also started getting defensive, saying things like ‘we aren’t like the whites.’ and ‘People in this country aren’t disciplined properly.’ and even ‘In Nigeria they would do this is schools.’

I told her it didn’t matter. But still, I didn’t call it abuse. I didn’t say it’s the reasons for my problems. I just brought up the subject and she took it that way herself.

She also said that I must’ve told this to the ‘shrink’ (meaning therapist). I told her I hadn’t (because I hadn’t, to avoid directing her to a diagnosis).

I really don’t want to doubt myself, and even though I’m so sure it happened, she really got into my head. I can understand if she’s forgotten- she told me that it’s never been me getting seriously hit, it’s only my sister. It’s true my sister was also hit. Probably also with a belt and I remember once it was quite seriously, and it was during her teen years so not even that long ago. I don’t think she had any injuries or marks (or, at least, I didn’t see anything). She didn’t even make a sound.

Since that happened in her mid-late teens (actually, I think it was 5 years ago at the most because my mum was pregnant at the time with my little bro) it makes sense she’d remember. I haven’t been hit since I was a child (except this one time my dad slapped my face- I’ll admit I was being annoying but he didn’t have to slap me…)

Still, I have 2 people who could confirm this for me:

  1. My sister… obviously
  2. Cloud- I told her once that my dad hits me after which my dad found out and went to tell her parents himself before Cloud did. (but I knew she wouldn’t tell anyway, not without me giving her the okay.) He tried to downplay it when he told them, making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. 😒

Anyway, I’m tired. I’m gonna see if I can talk nore with ny mun tommorow, to see what I can uncover, but now I know to take everything she says with a pinch of salt.




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