So this morning I had a bit of an episode. I had just missed my train when I got to the station. I got a later train which was 3 minutes after so it wasn’t a big deal. It was only when I wanted to get my second train, it left before the doors of my own train opened! And, naturally, I was pretty annoyed by that.
It was only when I checked the time, realising that it was closing on 8:20. I had a class in 40 minutes and I still had a train to catch, another train and then a ten minute walk.
And I was FREAKING OUT. I could NOT calm down and I felt like throwing myself on the track. Literally. I saw that the train going straight to my uni was coming in 13 mins, and by know I know how long my journey takes so I didn’t think I’d make. So I went for the option of getting 2 trains.
At 8:21 the anxiety had completely taken over. I was thinking I would rather throw myself onto the tracks than bea late. I kept looking at them. Because for me, I have to do things right or else everything is ruined and I want to die to erase everything. Not necessarily because it’s too painful to live, but because I ruined something so now I have to trash it and start again (of course, I’d have a lot of trouble with the ‘starting again’ part.)
But the urge wasn’t that strong. I guess when you spend most days worrying about people pushing you onto thethe tracks to kill you, you don’t tend to like the idea of being killed. (Oddly enough today I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to kill me that morning)
Eventually the train arrived, crawling at snail’s pace. Anger was bubbling and boiling inside me. I glared at the driver who didn’t see me. All of a sudden people are no longer random individuals on their morning commute. No, now they were obsticles and my enemies. They were the subject of my rude negative thoughts. I told them all to fuck off in my head.
The train didn’t start moving straight away and this was absolutely painful. I gripped the pole I was holding onto very tightly with the aim of crushing either the pole or my hand. I think I was more interested in crushing my hand. I gripped my bag. I gripped my chin. I wanted so bad to rip through it.
I wanted so badly to throw myself to the floor screaming. I wanted to meltdown, but I held it in.
The train eventually moved. I checked my phone every few minutes. To check the time. And to check it was still there. It was crowded and I didn’t want someone to steal my phone.
When I managed to get a seat, I played spider solitaire. It helps.
It’s not like this happens every time I’m running late. I’ve been late plenty of times and been fine. When I meet friends for example.
It’s only when I’m late for certain things like school/uni.
I’m even a lot better now. Before I used to completely breakdown when I woke up late. Nowadays I only panic a little and/or feel like shit.
This lateness anxiety of mine can be pretty extreme. I mean it makes me want toto completely avoid the situation. I consider ways I can incapacitate myself to avoid facing the music (dealing withwith consequences of turning up late)
And it’s not because I’m a perfectionist or that I want to be seen that way. That’d be waaaay too much pressure!
But still, the anxiety is still there. Has been there for a long time. I currently have 8 alarms. 7 on my phone and 1 alarm clock.
I always plan to wake up 3 hours before my first class (though I have leeway here- sometimes its 2.5 or 2 hours depending)
Still haven’t heard back from my therapist…
I’m hoping she’ll be in contact soon. I’ve been pretty much depressed and have been obsessing over what the hell is wrong with me to the point that I get confused.