Hey, I’ve been gone for a long time and I apologise for that.
In the time I’ve been gone, I’ve gone through so many ups and downs emotionally, been going through periods of self-hatred, but I’ve also had some good moments. It’s been a real emotional rollercoaster. I won’t go into detail about everything because I’m sick at the moment.
I’ve been doing my research, of course. There’s this deep need for me to figure out what’s going on with my head after all. I can’t just stay in the dark and go insane.
Here’s what I’ve concluded:
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Now, I’m not saying I have BPD. I need to be professionally diagnosed and I don’t want any of this self diagnosis nonsense. I do see a point in self diagnosis, of course, but I don’t want to do it for myself and live in the land of uncertainty forever. Of course, without self-dx, I’m still in the land of uncertainty, but at least I’m not making unproven claims, because making unproven claim also drives me insane. I haven’t gotten over the whole autism thing.
The things I know for sure are that:
- I have BPD traits or symptoms
- I relate strongly to those diagnosed with BPD
- One of my biggest problems is emotional regulation and stability and expression
- DBT is helping me cope
DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It’s type of talking therapy based on CBT.
According to Mind:
“The goal of DBT is to help you learn to manage your difficult emotions by letting yourself experience, recognise and accept them. Then as you learn to accept and regulate your emotions, you also become more able to change your harmful behaviour.”
It’s a therapy mainly used for people with BPD but also helps with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal feelings and depression.
I’ve been using it to help with my problems with emotions. My emotions can be very overwhelming. They can make me feel physically hurt. My mind gets suck on the same negative or bothersome thoughts that make me feel worse and make it hard to break the cycle and can lead to a ‘meltdown’ or ‘episode’, which lead me exhausted and ashamed.
It’s pretty hard, I will admit, but it really does help. I lost a something the other day and normally losing things sends me into this downward spiral- I’d look for it, I wouldn’t find it, I’d get sad, frustrated and angry about it, I’d look for it some more and so on. It normally ends up with my room trashed and me screaming about how much I hate myself, with teary eyes and a runny nose, looking absolutely batshit crazy in the process. But that time, I decided to use the opposite technique- do the opposite of what you’d normally do. So I stopped searching and found an alternative. Of course, if things were that simple, I wouldn’t need to see a therapist. Obviously I had some anxiety and frustration, so I tried some other techniques. I tried listing things I like about myself (I only got 3, ha!), I tried smiling at myself in the mirror. I tried changing my body language from tense to more calm. I tried mindful breathing etc. etc.
I survived it in the end, only crying once and very, very briefly. I picked myself up and carried on with my day. Sure I’d spent a hell of a lot of time to calm myself down, but that pales in comparison to the hours I would’ve wasted searching, freaking out and getting angry, feeling sad and exhausted and losing motivation to carry out the rest of the day.
I’m also trying meditation and it probably helping. It does at least help keep my mind busy. I’ve also got my first CBT session really soon so I hope I’ll have time to make a post about that. I’m revising for my January exams so it’s hard to find time… I’ll try my best. I just lost to desire to blog at all as I went into a depressive state.
Of course BPD doesn’t explain all of my issues, but I’m going to take this one step at a time. Deal with my emotional problems and self-loathing first, then tackle the social issue.
I’ll end the post here. I’m kind of upset over something my mum did (because she’s always butting into my business and then ignoring me and treating me like I don’t matter. I’m also finding it hard to concentrate due to being sick. I’ll post again soon.