I had initially planned to write a post titled ‘I’ve had enough’ for a completely different type of post. It was gonna be about the stupid work my dad’s doing in the living room and how it’s disrupting everything.
But now, things are different. This time I’m making this post because I’ve really had enough. I’ve had enough of my dad. I’ve had enough of my mum. I’ve had enough of my sister.
I am going to move out.
I can’t deal with the yelling anymore. I can’t deal with their unpredictability. I can’t deal with their expectation of always being perfect. I can’t deal with threats of being thrown out into the cold because crying, looking sad, or even being relatively happy, but having weird facial expressions that make it look like your upset even when you assure them you’re not and explain why you’re making that facial expression.
I’m sick of the lies they keep saying. I’m sick of them calling me bad for flinching when he’s yelling at me and pointing his finger and me and telling me to shut up and ‘If you make one more noise-‘
I’m sick of not being listening to. I’m sick of not being able to explain myself. I’m sick of not being believed when I explain myself. I’m sick of getting screamed at for not seeing him and saying ‘Hi, dad, how are you.’
I’m tired of their backward thinking. I’m tired of the guilting. I’m tired of the word twisting. I’m tired of reaching out to them and having them yell at me. I’m tired of being forced to tell them what’s wrong when I don’t want to (because I don’t want to get yelled at). I’m tired of being told I need to change. I’m tired of being told to stop going to therapy, which I take to change myself.
I just want to not exist. I just want to phase out.
I just want to hurt myself.
I want them to see how much they hurt me.
I want them to finally see everything they’ve done to me and feel bad about it. For once, I want them to stop blaming me.
I’m not sorry that I have medical issues. I’m not sorry that you’ve gone through so much trouble because of them. I’m not sorry that the bullshit ‘treatments’ you found online didn’t work.
No, my condition condition isn’t psychological, I’ve had it since I was a baby and I actually have fucking medical proof you asshole.
I’m not sorry that you came to visit me in hospital. I’m not sorry that you had to see me suffer. I’m not sorry that it stresses you out.
I’m not going to apologise for things I didn’t cause.
This post kind of ended up being somewhat (emphasis on ‘somewhat’) poetic. I’m just sad, angry, scared, and most of all, tired. I’ve got a lot on my plate and to come home and be emotionally abused (YES, I’m fucking calling it emotional abuse) for making a weird facial expression that might indicate I might be sad when I actually was the opposite, despite the fact that I was acting as normal– well that just takes the cake.
It may seem somewhat rash, but it really isn’t. I’ve wanted to move out for a long time, and I did for a year, but I wanted to wait till I’d be more able to support myself, get my own place and everything and have a job (my pre-reg year). But I can’t wait that long. I’m an adult now, I can go. There’s nothing holding me back. It’s not like I’m living with my parents because I missed them and I want to stay with them. I honestly couldn’t give a fuck last year and I don’t now.
I’m going to move out. I going to make this happen.