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Guilty

TW: Rambling about abuse and shit

I always feel guilty when I refer to what my parents did and what my parents still do as ‘abuse’.

It just makes me feel really guilty for two reasons.

  1. I feel like it’s not actually abuse and I’m just being a brat and putting my parents under the bus
  2. Because I don’t think it’s abuse, I feel like I’m appropriating that word from ‘real’ victims.

I don’t even like talking about this shit. I don’t like telling people. I mean I’m pretty sure the only person I’ve told was Cloud and even when I speak to her, I still try to be as vague as possible and I’m careful not to reveal too much.

I’ve also pretty much seen the way my parents treat me as normal. That’s what they make me believe. They make me believe that it’s because we’re black that it’s okay to treat me, or any other black kid, like that. If a teacher had treated me the way they did, they’d freak. I know this because I once made a half-assed complaint about a teacher in high school and my mum actually went and called the school and the teacher had to apologise to me. It’s not like it was anything serious, she was pissing me off.

I probably sound like a broken record now, because I feel like I’ve said this so many times, but I don’t believe that my dad never hit me. I know he did and my mum can’t fucking deny it because she told me (and it a pretty fucking rude way, might I add) ‘that I should go at tell the police so he gets taking away’. Clearly this was a fucking threat.

My parents are being pretty shitty. Between my mum trying to convince me that my issues stem from the moon or the devil wrecking havoc (I don’t believe for a second that she believes that shit), and my dad saying that I flinch and cry when he screams at me because I’m a bad person. He fucking well KNOWS why I flinch. He doesn’t need me to tell him. And I have anyway. Not that that made a difference- he just got angrier and says that I know that he wouldn’t hit me when we both know that we’re not too sure about that. The bastard.

And I feel guilty for being angry at them. Especially when they remind me all that they’ve done for me. I know that that’s not an excuse for their actions. I know that bad people use favours and gifts to gain control over people and make them take the shit they dish.

But still, they’re my parents. I get along with them sometimes. I can joke with them. They always praise my accomplishments. They take care of me. My parents never fail to remind my sister and I how they let us live her for free, which is a pretty good thing and I’m grateful for it (somewhat).

I really am a broken record. But I don’t think I can get over this shit if I don’t address it. I need to acknowledge that the way they have treated me and the way they currently treat me is not okay. How can someone be so scared to speak out against their parent? I’ve gotten kind of ballsy recently, because my dad hasn’t hit me in years, but I think I’ve been pushing my luck lately. I wonder when (of if) he will hit me again. I really don’t know and he’s pretty hard to understand. My whole family is pretty hard to understand.

I side-tracked a little, sorry. I need to call this what it is. I just hope I’ll be able to do it sooner rather than later.

~Michelle

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