Yo, how’re you doing?
I’m been busting my backside trying to get all my revision notes done before my exams which are actually starting this month!
I know. My university is evil.
But I’ve got a little time here so I’m gonna give a quick life update. And it’s actually not going to be negative this time! Or… at least… not too negative.
I think I might as well start with my mental health.
There’s actually a lot I want to mention, but I think I’ll save most of it for a later post (I’ll explain then). The main thing is what I’ve been noticing.
Since I have a shitty memory, I’ve been keeping noteworthy thoughts, feelings and actions on my phone and I’ve actually learned a few things.
The first is that I noticed how much and how fast my emotions can change. I can go from upset, to angry, to mean and smug, to feeling upset again. I’ve also taken note of my escapism complex. The ‘I don’t quite want to die, but I’d like to take a break from life for a few minutes. At one point, when I was going home and was almost at my house, I had the thought that I shouldn’t go in there. That if I did, everything would remain the same and I won’t be able to escape it. I still went in. Obviously. The anxiety I would’ve gotten from wondering around in the field (which was what I thought I had to do to ‘escape’) was overpowering.
I also realised how manga and comics and games distract me at night. Even though at first I’d have no interest to read them, when I stopped, I’d feel pretty empty inside and spend that time hating myself.
I also realised strange. Recently, when I was on my way to uni, I was feeling really good about myself. I thought I was amazing, sexy and witty. And that kind of stretched into thinking I was magical. When I realised what was going on, I snapped myself out of it, but then I was in a bad mood. I felt upset. I hated myself because I thought I was making myself have magical thoughts so that I could be considered more mentally ill. And then I began to think that reality wasn’t real and not only might I be dissociating, but I’ve also dissociated before. Clearly I had forgotten that because I had told my therapist that I’ve never dissociated. I’m still sceptical about it though. I knew I was still in reality, but it just didn’t feel real, if that makes sense?
There are more things I could say, but the most important one I want to explore today is my discomfort in showing affection. I don’t like saying things like ‘I love you’. I don’t even like using ‘xx’ in texts. I don’t even like saying it to my parents. Not because I hate them, but because it’s still too awkward. There’s so much pressure in verbal expressing affection and using affectionate gestures. I recently used to be pretty awkward with hugging. I still am but I hugging people I haven’t hugged before so that’s good. I don’t think I’ve hugged Zii yet though. At first I took her as the type to not hug, but I’ve seen her hug other people. I’m guessing she’s like me and doesn’t like to be the initial… um… initiator? Well, one day I’ve manage to do it. Hopefully. Hugs are a great way to give affection and they’re not that awkward.
And speaking of showing affection and awkwardness, we now get onto the part that the title refers to.
So not too long ago… I netflixed and chilled. Literally. Grace came over and she had Netflix so we put on some movies and at sweet chili-flavoured sensations and drank sugar free tango (because my mum doesn’t read things when she buys them and when I told her it was sugar-free she said it’d be good for me anyway :/)
I was in the house alone for the week (because everyone went on holiday and left me behind TT-TT) and I was getting creeped out (slight paranoia etc.) so I invited her over for a sleepover. She was going to stay the night and my sister would come how the next day.
So, like I was saying. We literally watched Netflix and chilled. We watched this movie called Layla M. which was actually surprisingly interesting despite the fact that we talked through the whole movie…
So after that one finished we started another one and I some point, I hooked my arm with hers and leaned into her. It wasn’t just out of the blue, we were talking about our friendship and it’s something I get emotional about so I wanted to use that opportunity to show some affection and managed to do it smoothly and not awkwardly like I expected. And let me make this clear, this was a friendly gesture, not a ‘make-a-move’ gesture like the title of this post might expect. I also put my legs over hers because why not? Friends have done that to me too. Grace, in response, as we were watching the movie (and talking because the movie was weird and also we just wanted to talk) she started sort of brushing her hand on my arm and I noticed (obviously, otherwise why am I writing about it), but I thought nothing of it, because I took it as an intimate friendly gesture.
But then after a while she goes:
“Michelle, can I ask you something?”
And I said ‘sure’. But then she suddenly backtracked and said nevermind… and that’s when I got suspicious. So I insisted ‘No, tell me.’ and then she finally said it.
“Can I kiss you?”
Yep, I kid you not. Grace, my friend for almost a decade (if you count the two or so years we stopped talking) asked to kiss me. ME, of all people.
But I saw it coming.
Now, some background info: I’ve been suspecting Grace has liked me for a while. I wasn’t sure how long she’d liked me for (I asked and she said she had a crush on me in secondary school. SECONDARY SCHOOL. When I was awkward as fuck and I looked like a foot), but I had an inkling. I wanted to mention it here aaaaages ago, but I didn’t want to get it wrong and then be like ‘Whoops, I was wrong! She doesn’t have a crush on me!’. But I was seeing the signs and I spoke to Zii about it (can’t wait to shove it in her face that I was right).
I can’t remember everything, but I got the impression that she liked me from her texts (well, it was WhatsApp, but whatever). She would always say thinks like ‘I love you.’ and ‘I miss you’. Which I managed to reciprocate with much pain (because showing affection makes me uncomfortable). It was just standing out it me and I couldn’t ignore it.
I was actually so confident, that I imagined a situation in which she’d ask if she could kiss me, and I came up with ways to respond that were witty and to also test if she was being serious (because despite all the signs, I couldn’t imagine a reality in which she (or anybody) would want to kiss me). I thought about it a lot and crafted a cool way I could respond. It was all hypothetical, but it was interesting to think about…
…And then it wasn’t hypothetical. And I had to respond. But I wasn’t expecting it so I’d forgotten how I would’ve liked to respond. So I gave her a look of doubt (a sort of raised eyebrow) and was like ‘Really?’ and she said yes. I think I had initially planned ‘Prove it’, but then that didn’t work in that situation, so I just said a lame ‘okay’.
And then she kissed me.
It was my first kiss.
Finally I knew what a kiss felt like.
And I have to say… it was weird.
I don’t know if it was because of my history with Grace (I mean, that might play a part) or because I didn’t expect it to be the way it was. When you watch a kiss, you don’t (or at least I don’t) see how the mouths actually move. Like, where there positions are.
There was also the fact that I was in shock because despite the fact I was expecting the kiss, I didn’t actually think that I’d ever get kissed. Also I had my eyes wide open (thank God Grace’s eyes were closed or I would’ve made things super awkward). And Grace’s face was so close it was blurry. And also the rim of my glasses weren’t making things better. But I guess that’s not so much a problem for most people because you’re supposed to close you eyes!
And then… I started to feel a little strange. Like I wasn’t in reality. Like I was dreaming. Because Lord knows I would be kissing someone, let alone Grace. And then I tried to focus to start thinking I was in reality (didn’t help). So instead, I shut my damn eyes and actually moved my lips, because at this moment in time, I was basically frozen.
Grace was a natural. She knew what to do. She transitioned seamlessly to kissing and then touching and then putting her hand under my clothes (sorry TMI ^^;). And it made me realise how I had no idea what to do. I don’t know if it was just my lack of experience (after all, that was my first) or if I was just restricting myself. When I see these scenes in movies and anime, the characters just seem to know what to do. I was absolutely clueless. I tried putting my arms around her when we were kissing and I even tried touching her boobs (yeah, sorry! TMI ^^;) but I started to get even more nervous and then tried to make a joke and I actually… I actually squeezed then and said the words ‘Honk! Honk!’. And then instantly wanted to die (not literally, but you get what I mean). I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life…
Anyway, it turned out that my sister was actually coming back that night, which we both knew beforehand (my sister had messaged me before we started watching the first movie) so we decided the smart thing to do was to go upstairs. So we went upstairs and I’ll spare you most of the details. All you need to know are:
- A Netflix and chill actually turned into a ‘Netflix and Chill’
- I was so nervous I covered my face most of the time
- I questioned whether I was really only her second time with a girl
- My sister came back home in the middle of it
When we heard the door, we just looked at each other like ‘Lol, we’re fucked’. I just couldn’t believe that I was essentially a TV trope. I used to laugh at scenes where people would be having sex and then- whoops!- someone came home.
So we fretted to get our clothes on while communicating in whispers about how ‘oh she’s so gonna know’ and ‘we’re being so suspicious’. My sister went straight to her room, despite the fact that it was clear we were still up. When we finally got dressed and made up an excuse (We were watching movies on my laptop. Definitely not getting down and dirty on my bed) we went to say hi to her and she acted like normal. I don’t know if she heard us, or noticed that my wig was messed up and I was shaking like a new-born bambi, but she didn’t comment on any of that. So… we were safe… Probably…
Originally, I had planned that Grace and I would crash in my sister’s room, since she has two beds, but since my sister was there and I hadn’t asked her beforehand, she said no, so I offered Grace the guest room downstairs. I went down with her to hang out… and then we started kissing again… and then came round 2, in which I had gotten over the initial shock and embarrassment, for a while watched Grace as she went down on me. I felt a bit bad because I didn’t really do anything. I was the actual definition of a pillow princess. I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, Grace has had a lot more experience than me. She had lost her virginity 5 years prior. She is naturally more of a dominant person, whereas I was more submissive. I kept apologising (way to be lame, Peanut…) and she kept saying it was okay.
So I’ve been thinking about it, not just the sexy stuff (which I have been thinking about… A LOT), but also about how I could be better at sex. And whether my lack of action was me holding myself back, me not feeling compelled to do anything, or me sampling lacking the knowledge. I don’t know. I wish they’d teach you this shit in Sex ED!! I wondered, if I was holding myself back, was it because of an issue I have. Could it be linked to my discomfort in showing affection.
I even at one point questioned my sexuality. I thought I’d be more excited and active. Then, of course, I still find women attractive so that’s probably not it. It could mean that I’m not that compatible with Grace. Up until this point, I haven’t mentioned how I actually feel about her. Well, here it is:
I’ve thought she was pretty for a long time, probably since secondary school. I did think about kissing her once, though I don’t know if it was because she was always in my personal space that I had to keep telling her ‘Grace… you’re too close.’
That aside, do I have romantic feelings for her? Probably not. It made me feel a bit guilty, like I was using her in some way, but she never did confirm that she still likes me. She said that she has a crush on me in secondary school, but she didn’t say anything about how she feels now. After round 2, I asked her what this made us. She said she’d like to take it slow. I don’t entirely know what that means, but I’m guessing that means we’re friends but not dating… but we still kiss and do naughty things? …Friends with benefits? Who knows? I sure don’t.
As to why I had sex with her… One obvious reason was that I wanted to have sex. I was a virgin after all. But also, it’s not like I knew the kissing would lead to sex- Grace was very much in control of the situation (but it was all consensual btw) and I let her lead because clearly she knew what she was doing. I also did it because I trusted her. I’ve known her for so long and I knew I could trust her with my body. I also wanted her to get pleasure out of pleasuring me. I mean, she seemed to enjoy herself very much- probably more than I did- which I was happy about.
I’d also been thinking about sex with Grace… or at least kissing her… beforehand. A part of me was optimistic and was waiting in anticipation for her to come over. It was… part of the reason I invited her over… (yes, I have very impure thoughts).
There’s also the fact that I really like Grace. Like, I’m really fond of her. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but I just really like her. If she wanted to have sex with me, of course I’d let her. I just want to be close and intimate, and while that doesn’t necessarily mean sexually intimate, it also counts.
So yeah, a lot of reason to do so. Also my brain was like ‘SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.’
Anyway, this was supposed to be a short post. Instead I just went on and on about how I’m no longer a virgin. I’m just really chuffed that I managed to have my first kiss and my first time before the age of 20 (I was expecting it’d happen just right before my 40s TT.TT). Also I’m actually pretty happy I get to kiss Grace. When I’m not thinking reality isn’t real, kissing her actually feels pretty great and we did a lot of kissing, but now I have to wait till summer when I go over to hers (which we planned beforehand anyway- and of course even back then I was thinking ‘Would we do it? Would she make a move?’)
So, TL;DR: I’m a thirsty bitch