Mental Health · Personal

Access Denied

T/W Discussing abuse. Not in any real detail, but it comes up.

So in The Sims 4, the alien sims have the ability to wipe a person’s memory of them from the other sim’s mind. I think that’s pretty cool, but it would be more awesome if you could actually wipe their whole memory (and hopefully, there’s a way they can get it back!)

I feel like I have regular memory wipes. Not just insignificant stuff, but emotional and interpersonal stuff, and also stuff work and uni related which is really the icing on the cake.

I came across this video by Psycho2Go about different forms of childhood abuse. This kind of topic is amazingly addictive. Like, when I see it, I feel compelled to watch it and I know why- it’s because I’m looking for answers, and maybe even excuses. I watch one and then it’s not enough so I have to watch another. Unfortunately for me (but fortunately for many others I would assume) they mostly focus on sexual abuse which I’ve never been victim to. I hardly see anything about psychical abuse. I wonder if it’s because people think it’s much more clear cut, but actually I think it’s the other way round. I think most people would agree that all sexual acts on children are always wrong, but some would say that hitting a child is okay. I used to think that as well, oddly enough. I feel bad for every time I said it was okay- IT IS NOT OKAY. I don’t care what the law says about it. It’s perfectly legal to cheat but that’s still not okay.

Anyway, watching these videos always make me feel weird. Like, I’m trying to see which kind of abuse happened to me as a child as if I want to blame my parents and to fit in and feel like part of the childhood abuse survivor community which makes me feel sick quite honestly, like I’m appropriating something so personal to someone. At the same time, I feel really uncomfortable, and I’ve found that I always end up pinching my stomach (something I’ve realised I do a lot more than I realised). But despite the discomfort and sometimes feeling like crying, I still watch and I still feel bad.

This blog is so important to me in many ways. Today I’m using it as a means to remember things I said and did, and things that happened to me. Because I’m under the impression that I’ve been abused in some way (most likely physically and emotionally) but it’s just hard for me to remember. It’s like I have frequent memory wipes and I forget these things, or I remember the fact that they happened, but nothing about specific details or how I felt about them (in particular- the hitting, because that’s kinda hard to forget). It’s making me feel really guilty because I have an appointment with at a community mental health team, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to say or why I’m there in the first place. I feel guilty because I feel like I’m receiving help I don’t need. I’m worried that the therapist won’t take me seriously. My CBT therapist had referred me- she said something about needing long-term therapy because my anxiety might be linked to how I view people or something (God, why can’t you just listen for once, Peanut?!). I don’t even think I meet the requirements for an anxiety disorder so I’m so confused as to why I’m going to the CMHT in the first place!

I’m not suicidal. I barely self-harm (and I’ve got good control- I only look towards self-harm as an alternative, rather than something I have to do). I’m not depressed. My anxiety seems like a joke. So why is it I keep getting seen by therapists? Why do they take me seriously? Apparently my appointment is supposed to be an assessment. But an assessment for what? Is it to see if I meet the requirements to use the service? I’m worried it’ll be a waste of time and I get referred back to CBT- doesn’t help my feeling of rejection…

It’s getting really annoyed by these gaps in my memories. It’s not only gaps, but it’s like I’m trying to access my memories, but I’m not prohibited to do so. It’s like I’m not in control of my mind or my body. My body just does whatever the fuck it wants, and my mind prohibits free roaming! Isn’t it my mind? Shouldn’t I be allowed complete access?! This sounds kind of crazy, but honestly that’s how I feel! Just confused a lot of the time. Feeling like I should be angry at my parents, especially my dad, but I can’t really feel anything like that. I just feel normal towards them.

I wonder if it’s just memory, or if another part of me is preventing me from accessing part of my memories. I know that my memory isn’t the best, but I’ve actually had it tested and it was fairly normal- or so I was told.

*Sigh* I don’t know… maybe some day things will just change on its own, or maybe therapy will help it. For now I can only rely on writing down my thoughts. I also asked my CBT therapist to say as much as she can about me from her notes and that I have a tendency to forget things, so hopefully that will help. I don’t really mind her sharing these things- it’s a lot easier than for me to have to repeat them.

Anyway, that’s it for now. From the time of writing this, I’m about to finish my exams so I’ll finally be free to write more posts. I know I had a lot to discuss but… (stupid memory!!) Don’t worry, I’ll remember at least some of them.

Bye for now!

~Peanut

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